You make my world go round!
Everyone has a moment when they realize they are not as enlightened as they thought. This week has shown me that I might have a lot more inner work to do. Let me explain *groovy way back music starts…*
I have always been a big fan of curvy girls. I am a curvy girl. At various points in my life I have been the Pacific Coast Highway all the way up to Lombard St. level of curviness. I have strived to accept, nay! love my curves. It’s not easy with the constant barrage of media/husbands/general pubic all trying to convince you that the body you love is unacceptable by modern standards. However for the last year I thought I had it pretty well in hand, this self acceptance I try so hard to urge others to embrace. Until this week.
Let’s start with Sunday, after an afternoon of puttering around the house (and a little accidental napping) which left me beat and a little out of breath I decided that I had Had It with my body. I was tired of being fat and out of shape. Once again I would try a Plan to get my sorry ass in shape. First things first- throw away the scale. The numbers on it kept getting higher and higher and my love of my body kept getting lower and lower. I was falling back into the weight = worth trap.
Monday morning after Pinky left for work my first thought was to hit the scale. Once I realized we threw it away the day before (pre-coffee Sylvari is full of slow. What can I say?) I started planning to take it out of the trash, weigh myself, then put it away again. Almost immediately on the tail of that thought was the realization that was exactly the behavior I had when I quit smoking the first time. Was I really addicted to the weigh in? The number? Was I really that lost without it? Yep. So much for body acceptance. I couldn’t even make it through a day without looking to that number for validation. Time to fix that I thought.
Mid week my doctor called back to let me in on the results of my blood work. She told me that I have a bit of an iron issue as well as Vitamin D and put me on a couple of meds , a diet change and a warning that if my levels don’t rise in four months I would have to get a transfusion to get back to where I should be. Yes, that is as scary to me as you think it is. The up side is it explains the serious fatigue, the shortness of breath and the muscle fatigue that I have been attributing to all of a sudden being completely out of shape. That is how insidious the weight/body message has been. A sudden onset of those symptoms and instead of thinking that there was something wrong with me I defaulted to “of course. You are fat. What did you expect” Gods knows what kind of damage I could have done if I had just continued to suck it up and tried to exercise my way to health.
This is how fat shaming hurts people. When you look at people and reduce them to one thing- their weight, then everything else about them suffers. I bought into the bullshit without knowing I had and it almost cost me big time.
So today I was feeling pretty good about these revelations, trucking along at work when all the good work I had done came crashing down around my ears.
In a discussion with two of the ladies “helping” with the tag sale we will have tomorrow we were discussing my vitamin D dose because one of the ladies also takes the same med. I mentioned how relieved I was to know that my fatigue etc had a cause that wasn’t “Sylvari is a fat girl” and the other lady (We will call her Little Miss Type A) looked at me and said “well there can be many causes for those things” I got the hint. She might as well have said “don’t be stupid, you are fat and that is your problem” One sentence and I was hearing all those voices in my head telling me all those ugly things I had been working so hard to overcome. LMTA is, of course, thin. She also runs the Fitness Center on site so not surprising she thnks I am a fat ass but to hear it was still super hurtful. All day I stewed about it. by stewed I mean beat myself up over and over. Until I realized that I had fallen into the trap once more. I let her define my self worth by her narrow, uneducated standards.
I like curvy girls, I am a HUGE fan. Starting today that includes me. 🙂