justsylvari

Just another polar bear adrift in the sea

Vanity thy name is January 21, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — sylvarih @ 2:03 am

silence

Tomorrow I got back to work for the first time since my surgery. All day long I have been fixated on one thought – my voice is still a ruin. Not worried about work, not worried about the repair guys coming tomorrow while I am not here to fix the shower. Nope, worried about the fact that my voice is nowhere near where it used to be yet. And it may never be.

I honestly didn’t realize until this past week just how important my voice was to me. Everyone has something about themselves they like. They won’t always admit to it but everyone has something they are secretly pleased with. Sometimes you don’t know what that thing is until they take it away.

The doctor has told me to take it easy on my voice for a while yet. Does he even know me??? I don’t think so. This will test an awful lot of my willpower.

This week will be a test to see how taking half my thyroid has really affected me. It’s also when I start, hopefully, getting back into the swing of things. I will try to ease into a workout routine. It would be nice to be in shape before gardening season gets here. Ten weeks until spring. I can do this yes? Yes…

At leastI can still whisper to the plants. 😉

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Crazy for feeling so blue January 7, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — sylvarih @ 1:04 am

Time and time again you hear of people with mental health issues who go off their meds and do harmful things either to themselves or others. It’s hard to understand why someone would turn their back on being healthy. I’m not sure if I can explain but I do know that on the eve of my surgery I have been thinking more and more about it.

A while ago I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Not the kind you see taken to extremes on television but enough where the ups and downs affect my life. Now I am wondering what changes will happen when my thyroid is partially gone. It will effect my metabolism and my bipolar is tied to my cycles so… gonna happen.

Some who know me will see this as a good thing. No more anxiety! No more depression! How do you explain that you will be losing an essential part of you when all that goes away? I won’t be me on some level. I will be other me. The fear is that the other part of me will go too. The up Lisa. The girl who gets things done. The girl who can smile at 530 in the morning all the way till 9 at night without breaking a sweat. The girl who is happy.

Imagine waking up one day and having thoughts that aren’t yours. It’s like having your eye color or your voice changed. You can still go to work, to function but you know that there is something different.

I am afraid that in the end I will be different, in my head. It’s kind of scary.

 

I can haz the cloud? January 5, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — sylvarih @ 3:18 pm
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Today on the way home from work “Science Friday” on NPR had their year in review program. They mentioned a young man who recalled watching Felix Baumgartner’s leap on his phone. The host and guest marveled at the leaps in technology we have made. One guest mentioned that the young man’s phone probably had more computing power than Apollo 11 did. All bemoaned the idea that our powerful technology is now used to share cat pictures and detailed lists of our meals.

I think they have it backwards. They should delight in the idea that it is now easier for us to reach out to each other. Technology should support us not replace us. Last night I was on a website where a young person from Afghanistan was able to explain to others from around the world what it is like to live in his country. Here was direct information on how people we are classifying as “the enemy” feel and think. All of a sudden they are real, living people. Living people are harder to hate. Maybe we should start thinking about how to let technology support our social nature instead of replacing it.

 

I’m just a girl January 3, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — sylvarih @ 1:51 am
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cross-posted from LJ because I am not sure if Lj is actually functional.

So here I am blogging again. Sometimes it feels like a bit of an ego trip. Who am I to put my words out there for others to see? Why should anyone listen to me? No reason actually. I am a battle scarred gal who likes to hear the sound of her own electronic voice now and then. In the next few weeks I am going to have a lot of time on my hand to blog while I recover from having half my thyroid removed. I will admit to being a bit scared.

The scariest part for me is knowing that on some level I will be changed permanently. No matter what comes after there is no reset button. No do-over. “But Lisa, that is all of life so suck it up” This is true. You can’t go back and undo anything an all of life is change. However, for someone who has spent most of her life at war with her body ( and how many of you can relate to THAT) this is extra hard. In my head I will wake up the day after surgery and look like a cross between Bill the Cat and the Bar Hag from the Simpsons. This is not going to happen but yet the visual persists.

If nothing else it will be interesting. Yo-ho adventure!

 

 
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